Lately I have been feeling disconnected from my husband. It usually happens when he goes away. I have felt annoyed with him for leaving. Not only leaving but having some rather nice TDY trips. All while I am home doing the same thing day in and day out without much change.
This past week I was in Wisconsin. I decided last minute to take a trip with the kids. A trip my husband knew nothing about until he called one day. He'd call a few days later to see how our vacation was going. I became extremely irritated with him. I even told him so. I drove 18 hours one way to see my family. With 4 kids and 2 dogs in tow.That is not much of a vacation.
I have some great friends around me that I am thankful for everyday. When I called on them to step in and cover the radio show this week they did without hesitation. On Thursday I was driving back to NC from WI. I called in and listened to the bible study. When Sara prayed for military marriages that are under attack a light bulb went off in my head. The last two years my marriage has been under attack. I just never realized that the enemy was at work. All the signs were/are there. It was easier to be mad at my husband.
With so many TDY trips and a constant deployment cycle its easy to be married and not really married if that makes sense. Now let me clarify that. My husband and I live in the same house, have the same goals, same children, we still love each other but with the cycles of TDY and deployments its easy to just co-exist in the same place. It becomes easy to disconnect from each other. With any separation its normal to pull away and distance yourself from each other. When separation happens all the time its even easier to stay disconnected. Let me also clarify that my husband and I still do normal things. We still enjoy each other and our family. We still love each other very much. But for me I have felt disconnected from him. I realize now that that was the enemies plan all along.
There was a time not so long ago that I started to envision my life as a divorced person. All the TDY and deployment was simply to much for me. But God didn't design marriage to end in divorce. All the while I was going through this I had great friends around me praying like crazy for us. My husbands version of how this time frame played out and how I remember it are completely different.
I was completely unsettled. Annoyed easily. Angry at everything. Looking around the corner for the next reason to be mad at him. I stayed mad at him all the time. Which made staying disconnected from him all the time that much easier. He used to say "I know you are mad at me. It's okay that you are mad at me. The Army is to big to be mad at. It doesn't have a face or a name to be angry at." I had never thought that it was the enemies plan to get into those places that I hate. To get into TDY and deployment and use it to draw my husband and I apart. I don't know why I haven't thought about it before. Having this light bulb go on I have someone else to fight. I have someone else to be mad at. I have someone else to tell to go away. So Satan, get out of the way. This is one marriage I refuse to let you get.