Wednesday, October 7, 2009

How much? A vent of sorts

Do you ever wonder how much you can take? How much stress is enough but not to much to actually kill you? I mean that. How much? Can we wear a meter like we do to measure our steps or must we be hooked up to a machine like a blood pressure cuff?

I realize and accept that my stress level is amplified because my husband is fixing to leave. We are down to days. One pay check left and he will depart. Which is crazy to think about it that way. But it is our reality.

Can I just be honest? I'm tired. I'm tired of having to make all the decisions. I'm tired of volunteering for a job and then having someone come behind me only to undo what I did. I'm tired of having to be the 'bad' parent because I don't want my husband to because he's leaving. Which most of you know, he leaves ALL THE TIME. Which makes me the bad parent all the time. I'm tired of homeschooling, tired of public school.(just found out there is an 8th grade girl and a 9th grade girl pregnant at the girls school).

I don't do well staying positive all the time. It's not me. I have to be angry for a while. That's where I am right now. I just wanted to be mad. Then the phone rings and VIOLA! Another catastrophy that I need to solve. I just kept thinking....ARE YOU KIDDING? You are an adult. Can you not do the math and figure it out?

I keep telling my husband I'm not ready for this trip(read deployment). I'm not ready. I just shake my head and start to cry. I'm really not ready. Over the last 2years I have watched my husband come and go many times. Every time he left I never wanted him to go. Ocassionally I was ready because I wanted to start the count down. I'm not ready. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want my heart to hurt. I don't want to comfort the kids because he left again. I don't want pile the pillows just right so I can finally sleep. I don't want to be without the love of my life again. I don't want to feel like I am holding my breath until I see him again.

I think you get most of it. I'm just tired. I'm tired of having to be the strong one. I want.......I don't know what I want. How messed up is that? I'm just this ball of emotions that I don't know what to do with.

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