Over the last couple of days I couldn't help but feel like I am missing something with Parker. I have felt like he is broken and I need to fix him. The last 48 hours have been extremely difficult with him. I don't know what else to try with him. Tomorrow will be lots of phone calls and appointments to be made. But for now I feel at a loss. Ted has left on his latest TDY trip which always makes things harder with Parker.
Today I drug the kids to church and I do mean drug. We were late. I couldn't get them out the door. I felt like a 2 year old yelling "WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH, WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH." Tanner once told his scout leader that I am always late picking them up. Which in part is true. The part he failed to mention was that the children are the ones that usually make me late. But we got to church only 10 minutes late. God had that moment designed for me. I had already made up my mind that I didn't care what the pastor was talking about and what music we sang. If nothing else came about I would at least be without the children for 2 hours and not have to worry about them. Plus they were hearing scripture.
Once I got the children to their rooms I headed to the main sanctuary and found a seat. I did the usually shuffle of things. Set down my purse, turned off the blackberry, kicked off my shoes and decided I should sing a little. This is the only place I will completely sing at the top of my lungs. God said make a joyful noise. He didn't specify that it had to be in tune. As I started to sing I felt all the stress of the morning fading. One of the lines in the song today was "Nothing is missing, Nothing is broken." I didn't really get it. I just sang. Then the Holy Spirit helped me to hear it. Our pastor's wife got up on stage and gave testimony in the middle of the song. They had a troubled son at one point. She said "there is no dark place that God is not. The darkest place her son would go to was to much for her to hear or see but she knew that she could pray for her son and God was already there with him."
God is already with Parker. God designed Parker. All his quirks and outbursts and funny personality and cute smile, God designed him just the way he is. Parker isn't broken. The keys we need to help him are here. They are not missing.
One of the other things the pastor's wife talked about was when her mom died. She was talked to by a chaplain. The chaplain told her it was okay to be mad at God. Think of God as a great father. If you went to your father and beat upon his chest and said "why or I'm so mad" what would he do? A good father would wrap his arms around you. Our heavenly Father is a GREAT father. He knows your hurt and He understands your hurt like no one else. He still wraps His loving arms around you.
I didn't realize until today that I have been mad at God. My husband says he never gets mad at God because not all things come from God. I know that. But I still get mad at God. I have been mad and didn't fully realize it. I just swept it under the rug and pretended everything was fine.
I've been mad that we had to move, mad that Ted always has to leave, mad that he was gone all last summer, couldn't go anywhere this summer and will be gone for the holidays, mad that I feel like we try so hard with Parker only to be back at square one, mad that the children don't listen, mad that I pray and I feel like my prayers get stamped returned to sender, mad that I always have to be the strong one, mad that people judge me as a parent because Parker is having a hard time right now, mad that God has the power to STOP it all and heal my heart and it still hurts.
I cried in church today. I cried almost the whole service. At the point when you greet each other I must have looked a mess. Every woman that I said good morning to hugged me and told me that "they were glad to see me today." I didn't know any of these women. It might of just been something that they say to everyone. But I know that God was glad to see ME this morning. Not me sweeping everything under the rug but me. Me with the hurt heart, the frustrated and lost parent, the tired military spouse, just me.
Pastor's wife said when we release that hurt or anger, whatever it is that we used to put walls up around our heart, when we release that we remove the barrier from God. I have never thought about it like that. But she is right.
Every time I go to church I am blessed with a message that I feel was just for me. Nothing is missing. Nothing is broken. God is here in the dark places with us. He knows just how hurt my heart is. Now that I know it and except that I can accept His help to heal it.